Living in the Solution
Higher Power, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.
- ACA Serenity Prayer
The Solution
"The solution is to become your own loving parent."
In ACA, recovery occurs through the process of re-parenting ourselves. Re-parenting ourselves involves coming out of denial about the nature of our childhood abandonment, recalling buried memories, grieving for what we had longed for as children, letting go of critical messages we received as children, and releasing ourselves from the family roles we played as children and may still play in our families of origin. We also make amends for our self-abandonment and the ways in which our self-abandonment may have harmed others. We begin treating ourselves with the "gentleness, humor, love, and respect" we craved as children (BRB, pp. 590). ​​
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The process of re-parenting ourselves allows us to "see our biological parents as the instruments of our existence" (BRB, pp. 590). We learn that our actual parent is a Higher Power, whom some of us choose to call God. In re-parenting ourselves, we are able to live as the whole person that has always lived inside us. Our lives and our relationships begin to change.
The process of re-parenting ourselves occurs through many different routes in ACA. Each fellow traveler walks a unique recovery path that occurs on their own spiritual timetable. However, most fellow travelers experience recovery by attending regular meetings, working the ACA 12 steps or Tony A.'s 12 steps, participating in service work, taking daily inventories of their feelings and behaviors, and practicing emotional sobriety.
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To learn more about the ACA 12 Steps, click on the link below.
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Emotional Sobriety
"Emotional sobriety is measured by the level of trust, mutual respect, and acceptability of feelings in our relationships."
By working the Twelve Steps of ACA and by attending meetings regularly, we begin to experience emotional sobriety as a way of life. This is what ACA recovery looks like. But what is emotional sobriety?
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"To understand emotional sobriety, we must first understand emotional intoxication, which is also known as para-alcoholism. Para-alcoholism represents the mannerisms and behaviors we developed by living with alcoholic or dysfunctional parents. As children, we took on the fear and denial of the alcoholic or non-drinking parent without taking a drink" (ACA's Identification & Readings).
"Emotional intoxication can be characterized by obsession and unhealthy dependence. There also can be compulsive behaviors with food, spending, relationships, gambling and/or sex. Even without drugs and alcohol, we can be “drunk” on fear, excitement, or pain. We can also be drunk on arguing, gossip, or self-imposed isolation" (ACA's Identification & Readings).
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​"Emotional sobriety involves a changed relationship with self and others. We measure emotional sobriety by the level of honesty, mutual respect, and the acceptability of feelings in our relationships" (ACA's Identification & Readings). According to the ACA World Service Organization (ACA WSO), this means "moving away from our relationships that have been controlling and without feelings or trust. In recovery, we begin to feel connected, to ourselves, to others, and to our Higher Power. This connectedness in relationships is characterized by the freedom to express our feelings and associate with people with whom there is mutual trust and respect. We bring our True Selves to our relationships. We know we have something to offer that is different from unhealthy dependence."
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Achieving recovery and emotional sobriety does not happen overnight. The work of recovery in ACA is slow and often rocky- sometimes happening one small decision at a time. One program mottos is "progress not perfection." In doing this work over time, we "slowly release our dysfunctional behaviors", we enjoy feeling "stable, peaceful, and finically secure", and we learn to "play and have fun in our lives" (BRB, pp. 591).